Wow! Really great introduction! I hope we get paired up in the future so I can comment on some of your stories too (which I'm sure will be as good as the introduction). I like that you're telling the stories from death's point of view. This style is very much like "The Book Thief" (If I may interject, which I may because this is my comment, I recommend you read this book if you like to read. It's really top-notch.) But I digress; there are a few things you could change if you felt so inclined. I really like your picture, but I think it would be better if it were a little smaller and put somewhere in the middle of your text. At the end it is just kind of an afterthought, but it's a great picture (choosing two lovers alone in the sunset – possibly signifying the end of one life, and a new life when the sun rises. Maybe in Japan?).
This was my favorite line of the whole story - “Fate will allow them to remain forever intertwined and I, Death, will never be forced to tear them apart.” It was written so eloquently, but precise. The whole time I assumed the story was coming from the perspective of Cupid or Psyche, but instead it was Death. You really used the power of a style to reign in your reader. I couldn’t leave the page until I knew exactly who “I” was haha.
One suggestion with the format of your stories would be to make the size of the font the same in the Introduction and the first story. Also, I see that you put the image information at the bottom of the page under the bibliography, which is totally fine! I just might suggest adding the title of the image right under the picture so the read can better understand it at first glance.
I had a little bit of a hard time reading the dialogue section, so maybe try to format it like this? Great story though!
“Do not give your blessing so hastily, King Asvapati,” said a soft voice from behind. Savitri and Asvapati turned to see the wise Sage Narada standing nearby.
“Is something amiss with the man my daughter has chosen?” the king asked anxiously. Savitri tensed, unable to imagine a single flaw belonging to her dear Satyavan.
“While the man has no personal faults, his future is short,” the sage said plainly. “The exiled prince will die one year from this day.”
Since I had another opening for commenting this week, you were the first person I thought of. I don’t know why, I just seem to really have a connection to you. I loved your introduction. Needless to say, this first story was no let down. Everything was great, and like you said in your author’s note, because it is common to believe in reincarnation in India, this was a great story to begin with. I hope I get to read the next one next week! I liked the picture you chose to include (even though Yama looks very much like an in-shape Cookie Monster with a scepter). I know I’m being incredibly nitpicky, but here…
“Savitri shook her head in disagreement, willing her voice to remain strong while her heart and soul shook with grief.
“I will not choose another,” she said firmly. “I would rather share one blissful year with my soul mate than a lifetime with another husband.”
King Asvapati nodded solemnly, knowing fully the strength of his daughter’s will.”
I think you used “will” too many times. Might I suggest you say, “I refuse to be with another” or something like that. Or you can just leave it as is; you’re clearly much more talented with words than I am. Anyways, another great job!
Hey, Brianne! I love the way you opened up this story. From the beginning (of the introduction), I was instantly curious who the narrator was and why people would avoid this person. I was also incredibly impressed by how eloquently and dramatically you were able to weave the words together to convey your point. Upon finishing up the introduction, I was instantly excited to read the next story. You did a wonderful job of describing the love between these two people and how Yama played a part in this, from his/her perspective. In the first story, I was curious what Savitri’s regimen was that made her so weak. I also was curious about how long these lovers knew each other. I was very happy to read that the father approved the marriage, though. I wonder if through the course of these different lifetimes, the couple remembered anything from their previous life. For the second story, I like how in the author’s note you explained the story you based yours off of and I also applaud you for taking such a creative liberty and changing the story rather than just summarizing it.
This is my favorite storybook. I'm sure it will still be my favorite at the end of the semester. I began reading it with the mindset of finding things to improve but shortly got lost in the story. First, the whole idea of Death as the narrator is so original and fantastic. It seems like it would be difficult to construct a storybook with this theme, but you've done a perfect job so far. Second, using reincarnation as a means to keep the couple together is amazing. Congratulations! I read the "Introduction" and "How it Began: Savitri and Satyavan".
Honestly, I thought it was perfect. The grammar and flow were great. If I would add anything additional to the story (since I'm supposed to critique...), I would enjoy to hear a little bit about their marriage. What happened during that year of bliss that they spent together? I hope to continue reading your work. Good job!
Third times the charm. This was yet another great story. I wish that you could've gone over the word limit too (you should’ve just done it) because I felt like it was a little rushed at the end, and I wanted to hear more. Also, as I learned from the author's note at the end that the original story was about cats. How could you not include a cat anywhere in the story? You should be ashamed of yourself for that. Anyways, the story was great. And you can bet that I'll be back next week for another one. What really sets your storybook apart from the others is that you wrote about something you're passionate about. Or at least it seems that way through your writing. I can tell you really enjoy writing these stories each week, and it's clear that everyone really enjoys reading them. Another job well done!
Hey, Brianne! Last time I read your storybook, I was really impressed with your introduction and first two stories; this last story certainly did not disappoint. I thought the story was extremely well-written, and I was surprised to read that the older brother’s servant girl was the one Buite wanted to marry – what a great twist! The only improvement I can think of (and it’s a petty one) is to use different names from the original story to your story since the plot is different – might as well accentuate the difference by using different names. But really, that’s more of a preference than anything. I thought even your author’s note was great and you did a wonderful job of explaining the old story and why you chose to make the changes you did. The picture you chose was also beautiful and gave me the feel of being in Africa under the orange/yellow sky and warm sun.
Wow, I don't even think the disclaimer will save you. You have so much blatant plagiarism in this storybook I can barely breathe. First, basically the entire storybook's premise, and every part with death, seems very much to be a rip-off of The Book Thief. Then, while I was reading this story, I realized the girl's name shouldn't have been Ayana at all, but rather Aurelia from Love Actually. While it was totally unoriginal, I love that movie so much that I enjoyed that part of the story the most. As for the rest of your story, it's another good one. There were a couple errors this time (e.g. missing a comma after the "and" when Buite introduces himself), and when you said "Never in his life had he felt so warm than in her presence" your phrasing is a little awkward here. But overall, it’s another really good love story.
Koma and Gon is such a wonderful story! I was assigned to read your introduction a few weeks ago and was so excited to continue reading your work. The theme is just perfect. Personifying death is quite original, and there are so many different paths to take with it. I read another story that was based on The Cat's Elopement, so I was familiar with the original story. You did stick to the plot closely, which I think is good because it gives the readers a better idea of the actual classic stories. I didn't notice any grammatical corrections to be made. I had to read the second paragraph a couple of times to really understand who the main characters were and why they were in their current situation. You explained in your author's note that you had a hard time
Hey Brianne! First off, I love the setup of your website! The colors, the images, the fonts--all of it goes together exceedingly well and creates a cohesive layout that matches the thematic elements of your stories. So great work, there!
Secondly, in reading your introduction I was immediately transported back to a story I had written last semester for the Epics of India class--a story which I wrote as Death; then, I was immediately reminded of another story I wrote--about Savitri and Satyavan. So you instantly gained many points in my book for writing through a tricky persona about stories I thoroughly enjoy, haha.
I love how in the story of Savitri and Satyavan you really distinguished between Savitri's inner strength and her physical strength. The imagery you used conjured up the story beautifully in my mind, and the way you created a link between this story and those to come is fantastic. I seriously love your storybook, and cannot wait to read more!!!
I've just started reading your storybook project and I can't say how much it warms my heart to read something so creative and heartfelt. Most of the time I notice many folktale love stories end in tragedy or despair (The Tale of Orpheus, for example), but you've turned the tables and made to guarantee that each story-retelling ends in a happily-ever-after (at least for the lifetime allotted). I like how you incorporated the beliefs of Indian culture in with these stories because it gives the stories a certain flare that follows from the promise made by Yama in the original story. Reincarnation is also a great plot device for love stories - what better way to represent the power of love than by demonstrating it across lives! I've noticed that you also struggle with the word count, but I think you've found a good balance between dialogue and description enough to where I can't tell if anything has been rushed or 'squished' into the story due to the word limit. Your stories are easy to follow and a pleasure to read. You've done a fantastic job with this project and I hope you realize it!
Hi Brianne! Wow your storybook is really really cool. When I was reading the introduction, I could not figure out who the narrator was. I was really intrigued. I did think it was a little bit frustrating being in the dark throughout the entire introduction as to who was speaking, but I also kind of liked the mystery of it. Either way I am so glad that you finally revealed it in your last sentence.
I read your last story about Connla and Anwynn. I really liked this story a lot. I am really interested in Irish and Scottish folktales and so I liked that you included a story in this area. I really loved the characters you created, and the personality you gave them both. I could picture the story so well in my head. It was great! I too struggle with staying inside the word limit, so I know how tough cutting parts of the story down. I think you made good choices in what you chose to focus on. Your story was clear, detailed, and really easy and fun to read. Great job!
Hello Brianne, I really like your cover. Also, your color scheme is nice. I was a little late but I like the ocean. It is an ocean right? It adds to the feel of the story. It is like I am on the beach reading a really great book. That picture is so peaceful. You have a great introduction. No one ever hears death opinion. I think that was a creative idea. I cannot think of any stories that are somewhat similar to this. You really had to put much effort into this storybook. Your writing kept me interested because I really wanted to know who was narrator in this story. On the other hand, reading the introduction without knowing who the narrator ws became a little frustrating. Your introduction made me excited to read your next story. Some things that I noticed and would suggest need corretion were a few punctuation errors.
First off, I really like the layout and style of your project. The colors compliment each other nicely and isn't too distracting. I have seen many people who have made their storybook background really busy and it distracts from the content of the storybook. You did a nice job of making it look clean and easy to read. Second, I like the picture you have on your homepage of the couple holding hands under the sunset, Being that your stories are based around love, I thought that this did a great job setting the scene.
I feel like you have worked really hard on this storybook and it has paid off. I thought that the content of each story was clever and unique. Your paragraphs were organized well and each of your sentences flowed smoothly.
Great job overall! Thanks for creating such an enjoyable storybook. It reminded me of the importance of love.
Hey Brianne! I really enjoyed reading your Storybook! I loved the very beginning of the introduction and your description of "love." I feel like it was a perfect explanation because sometimes love can be exactly as you described it, although, often times, people always associate love as a wonderful thing. However, like a few others have said, I think not knowing exactly who is speaking in your introduction was a tad bit frustrating. But, the end blended well into the first story. I really liked the layout of your Storybook as well, and like Payne said, it's obvious how much time and effort you put into it. You did a phenomenal job! All of your stories flowed really well together, as well! Great job!
Wow! Really great introduction! I hope we get paired up in the future so I can comment on some of your stories too (which I'm sure will be as good as the introduction). I like that you're telling the stories from death's point of view. This style is very much like "The Book Thief" (If I may interject, which I may because this is my comment, I recommend you read this book if you like to read. It's really top-notch.)
ReplyDeleteBut I digress; there are a few things you could change if you felt so inclined. I really like your picture, but I think it would be better if it were a little smaller and put somewhere in the middle of your text. At the end it is just kind of an afterthought, but it's a great picture (choosing two lovers alone in the sunset – possibly signifying the end of one life, and a new life when the sun rises. Maybe in Japan?).
This was my favorite line of the whole story - “Fate will allow them to remain forever intertwined and I, Death, will never be forced to tear them apart.” It was written so eloquently, but precise. The whole time I assumed the story was coming from the perspective of Cupid or Psyche, but instead it was Death. You really used the power of a style to reign in your reader. I couldn’t leave the page until I knew exactly who “I” was haha.
ReplyDeleteOne suggestion with the format of your stories would be to make the size of the font the same in the Introduction and the first story. Also, I see that you put the image information at the bottom of the page under the bibliography, which is totally fine! I just might suggest adding the title of the image right under the picture so the read can better understand it at first glance.
I had a little bit of a hard time reading the dialogue section, so maybe try to format it like this? Great story though!
“Do not give your blessing so hastily, King Asvapati,” said a soft voice
from behind. Savitri and Asvapati turned to see the wise Sage Narada
standing nearby.
“Is something amiss with the man my daughter has chosen?” the king
asked anxiously. Savitri tensed, unable to imagine a single flaw
belonging to her dear Satyavan.
“While the man has no personal faults, his future is short,” the sage
said plainly. “The exiled prince will die one year from this day.”
Well, when I posted the comment, the formatting didn't work right haha. My suggestion for the dialogue is to justify each line in about 5-7 spaces.
DeleteSince I had another opening for commenting this week, you were the first person I thought of. I don’t know why, I just seem to really have a connection to you. I loved your introduction. Needless to say, this first story was no let down. Everything was great, and like you said in your author’s note, because it is common to believe in reincarnation in India, this was a great story to begin with. I hope I get to read the next one next week!
ReplyDeleteI liked the picture you chose to include (even though Yama looks very much like an in-shape Cookie Monster with a scepter). I know I’m being incredibly nitpicky, but here…
“Savitri shook her head in disagreement, willing her voice to remain strong while her heart and soul shook with grief.
“I will not choose another,” she said firmly. “I would rather share one blissful year with my soul mate than a lifetime with another husband.”
King Asvapati nodded solemnly, knowing fully the strength of his daughter’s will.”
I think you used “will” too many times. Might I suggest you say, “I refuse to be with another” or something like that. Or you can just leave it as is; you’re clearly much more talented with words than I am. Anyways, another great job!
Hey, Brianne! I love the way you opened up this story. From the beginning (of the introduction), I was instantly curious who the narrator was and why people would avoid this person. I was also incredibly impressed by how eloquently and dramatically you were able to weave the words together to convey your point. Upon finishing up the introduction, I was instantly excited to read the next story. You did a wonderful job of describing the love between these two people and how Yama played a part in this, from his/her perspective. In the first story, I was curious what Savitri’s regimen was that made her so weak. I also was curious about how long these lovers knew each other. I was very happy to read that the father approved the marriage, though. I wonder if through the course of these different lifetimes, the couple remembered anything from their previous life. For the second story, I like how in the author’s note you explained the story you based yours off of and I also applaud you for taking such a creative liberty and changing the story rather than just summarizing it.
ReplyDeleteThis is my favorite storybook. I'm sure it will still be my favorite at the end of the semester. I began reading it with the mindset of finding things to improve but shortly got lost in the story. First, the whole idea of Death as the narrator is so original and fantastic. It seems like it would be difficult to construct a storybook with this theme, but you've done a perfect job so far. Second, using reincarnation as a means to keep the couple together is amazing. Congratulations! I read the "Introduction" and "How it Began: Savitri and Satyavan".
ReplyDeleteHonestly, I thought it was perfect. The grammar and flow were great. If I would add anything additional to the story (since I'm supposed to critique...), I would enjoy to hear a little bit about their marriage. What happened during that year of bliss that they spent together? I hope to continue reading your work. Good job!
Third times the charm. This was yet another great story. I wish that you could've gone over the word limit too (you should’ve just done it) because I felt like it was a little rushed at the end, and I wanted to hear more. Also, as I learned from the author's note at the end that the original story was about cats. How could you not include a cat anywhere in the story? You should be ashamed of yourself for that.
ReplyDeleteAnyways, the story was great. And you can bet that I'll be back next week for another one. What really sets your storybook apart from the others is that you wrote about something you're passionate about. Or at least it seems that way through your writing. I can tell you really enjoy writing these stories each week, and it's clear that everyone really enjoys reading them. Another job well done!
Hey, Brianne! Last time I read your storybook, I was really impressed with your introduction and first two stories; this last story certainly did not disappoint. I thought the story was extremely well-written, and I was surprised to read that the older brother’s servant girl was the one Buite wanted to marry – what a great twist! The only improvement I can think of (and it’s a petty one) is to use different names from the original story to your story since the plot is different – might as well accentuate the difference by using different names. But really, that’s more of a preference than anything. I thought even your author’s note was great and you did a wonderful job of explaining the old story and why you chose to make the changes you did. The picture you chose was also beautiful and gave me the feel of being in Africa under the orange/yellow sky and warm sun.
ReplyDeleteWow, I don't even think the disclaimer will save you. You have so much blatant plagiarism in this storybook I can barely breathe. First, basically the entire storybook's premise, and every part with death, seems very much to be a rip-off of The Book Thief. Then, while I was reading this story, I realized the girl's name shouldn't have been Ayana at all, but rather Aurelia from Love Actually. While it was totally unoriginal, I love that movie so much that I enjoyed that part of the story the most.
ReplyDeleteAs for the rest of your story, it's another good one. There were a couple errors this time (e.g. missing a comma after the "and" when Buite introduces himself), and when you said "Never in his life had he felt so warm than in her presence" your phrasing is a little awkward here. But overall, it’s another really good love story.
Koma and Gon is such a wonderful story! I was assigned to read your introduction a few weeks ago and was so excited to continue reading your work. The theme is just perfect. Personifying death is quite original, and there are so many different paths to take with it. I read another story that was based on The Cat's Elopement, so I was familiar with the original story. You did stick to the plot closely, which I think is good because it gives the readers a better idea of the actual classic stories. I didn't notice any grammatical corrections to be made. I had to read the second paragraph a couple of times to really understand who the main characters were and why they were in their current situation. You explained in your author's note that you had a hard time
ReplyDeleteHey Brianne! First off, I love the setup of your website! The colors, the images, the fonts--all of it goes together exceedingly well and creates a cohesive layout that matches the thematic elements of your stories. So great work, there!
ReplyDeleteSecondly, in reading your introduction I was immediately transported back to a story I had written last semester for the Epics of India class--a story which I wrote as Death; then, I was immediately reminded of another story I wrote--about Savitri and Satyavan. So you instantly gained many points in my book for writing through a tricky persona about stories I thoroughly enjoy, haha.
I love how in the story of Savitri and Satyavan you really distinguished between Savitri's inner strength and her physical strength. The imagery you used conjured up the story beautifully in my mind, and the way you created a link between this story and those to come is fantastic. I seriously love your storybook, and cannot wait to read more!!!
I've just started reading your storybook project and I can't say how much it warms my heart to read something so creative and heartfelt. Most of the time I notice many folktale love stories end in tragedy or despair (The Tale of Orpheus, for example), but you've turned the tables and made to guarantee that each story-retelling ends in a happily-ever-after (at least for the lifetime allotted).
ReplyDeleteI like how you incorporated the beliefs of Indian culture in with these stories because it gives the stories a certain flare that follows from the promise made by Yama in the original story. Reincarnation is also a great plot device for love stories - what better way to represent the power of love than by demonstrating it across lives!
I've noticed that you also struggle with the word count, but I think you've found a good balance between dialogue and description enough to where I can't tell if anything has been rushed or 'squished' into the story due to the word limit. Your stories are easy to follow and a pleasure to read. You've done a fantastic job with this project and I hope you realize it!
Hi Brianne! Wow your storybook is really really cool. When I was reading the introduction, I could not figure out who the narrator was. I was really intrigued. I did think it was a little bit frustrating being in the dark throughout the entire introduction as to who was speaking, but I also kind of liked the mystery of it. Either way I am so glad that you finally revealed it in your last sentence.
ReplyDeleteI read your last story about Connla and Anwynn. I really liked this story a lot. I am really interested in Irish and Scottish folktales and so I liked that you included a story in this area. I really loved the characters you created, and the personality you gave them both. I could picture the story so well in my head. It was great! I too struggle with staying inside the word limit, so I know how tough cutting parts of the story down. I think you made good choices in what you chose to focus on. Your story was clear, detailed, and really easy and fun to read. Great job!
Hello Brianne, I really like your cover. Also, your color scheme is nice. I was a little late but I like the ocean. It is an ocean right? It adds to the feel of the story. It is like I am on the beach reading a really great book. That picture is so peaceful. You have a great introduction. No one ever hears death opinion. I think that was a creative idea. I cannot think of any stories that are somewhat similar to this. You really had to put much effort into this storybook. Your writing kept me interested because I really wanted to know who was narrator in this story. On the other hand, reading the introduction without knowing who the narrator ws became a little frustrating. Your introduction made me excited to read your next story. Some things that I noticed and would suggest need corretion were a few punctuation errors.
ReplyDeleteHi Brianne!
ReplyDeleteFirst off, I really like the layout and style of your project. The colors compliment each other nicely and isn't too distracting. I have seen many people who have made their storybook background really busy and it distracts from the content of the storybook. You did a nice job of making it look clean and easy to read. Second, I like the picture you have on your homepage of the couple holding hands under the sunset, Being that your stories are based around love, I thought that this did a great job setting the scene.
I feel like you have worked really hard on this storybook and it has paid off. I thought that the content of each story was clever and unique. Your paragraphs were organized well and each of your sentences flowed smoothly.
Great job overall! Thanks for creating such an enjoyable storybook. It reminded me of the importance of love.
Hey Brianne! I really enjoyed reading your Storybook! I loved the very beginning of the introduction and your description of "love." I feel like it was a perfect explanation because sometimes love can be exactly as you described it, although, often times, people always associate love as a wonderful thing. However, like a few others have said, I think not knowing exactly who is speaking in your introduction was a tad bit frustrating. But, the end blended well into the first story. I really liked the layout of your Storybook as well, and like Payne said, it's obvious how much time and effort you put into it. You did a phenomenal job! All of your stories flowed really well together, as well! Great job!
ReplyDelete